Stuck between a rock in a hard place.

Up this morning , now afternoon. I'm supposed to be at work today, but i'm too depressed to go.
Yesterday I was working in Downtown S.F, Calif. If your African-American , downtown S.F can be a depressing place particularly if you don't have alot of money. There are so many A.A panhandlers there..

I've been working in this area for a couple of years. Homelessness for A.A's is becoming an entrenched way of life there. When I first started working there I was dismayed about the Panhandlers that "work" outside businesses in the artsy Downtown area of San Francisco,California. Some of the panhandlers are even making threats...They'll get my mother, every one seems to know where she lives. maaybe I'm making the panhandlers look to bad there. White people see me working, a good job and they must think to themselves ,"how did he get that job", and "What are all these panhandlers doing around here"? What were these guys doing during the Civil rights movement of the 50's and 60's? Have we've forgotten the struggle our ancestors many in getting to this Country in the first place, and enduring slavery. What about the struggle people had to go through just to have the right to vote? A. A 's were hanged and shot, but now you cant hardly find a nigger that seem to give a crap about voting.

I cant work any where without receiving some personal threats because of this stuff going on around here. And I dont think I'm that crazy, I'm seeing 2 therapist at this time. Its kinda crazy, woudn't want to be in my shoes.

I'm am depressed because, Staying in this Hotel has been a source of all these problems. They were trying "turn me out" here, roomed me next to some kind of sexual socialpath, in fact most of there people here are socialpaths, don't work maybe even been sexually abused. Yet I cant leave quite yet, I don't have much money saved. I'm lucky to have an interesting gig, but.....I actually might have another interesting job coming up.."Causal longshoremen".

My father works for them so there is a chance that I could get on with them, maybe inherit his work. I think my father is going to be disappointed if I leave on him, without bagging that job. I see little reason to stay here in the BayArea. I want to get out of here, go to some quiet place, where I can breathe the AIR , and not have to worry about people trying to punk, perforate or murder me.

I could stay with my mom, she got room there but she doesn't want me to stay there with her. She's kinda vunerable there staying there with her mother and some girls. But what can I do?

My Sex/Social life is nil. I really hate not having a girl to talk about here , or not having a picture to put up. I'd be afraid to have a girlfriend, I'd fear she'd be attacked, anyone would have to be crazy to join a relationship with me at this time. Maybe I should hook up with that man in 711? Everyone seem to me trying to hook me up with him anyway Meanwhile I resent working when so many people around here don't work, live happy selling drugs, or getting some kind of free money so they don't have to work. I've busted my nut trying to be of some kind of service to myself , the community...and what do I get for all that?

Of course some just collect cans for money..That's work .. The guy above my New room here in #513 is a gifted musician on the keyboard, but he doesn't work, he plays his music loud, and I don't mind, but he doesn't have a metronome so he beats on the floor with his foot..rather annoying. I'm stuff between a rock and a hard place, I don't know how or whether I should here. In case I left my chances of surviving would be nil. What do ya do, in my position? Is there any hope, I wish I could turn my life around.