...For a few dollars more.

Everyday its tough not to consider my disposition at this Hotel. The bottom line seems to be that I have to leave here. These people in the Hotel here pressure me in trying to date the guy in #711 still even though I've moved into another location, ( and they moved someone else into my Old Room.) I'm not that flexible, and I wonder if its a good idea to initiate any kind of social intercourse with that guy. And the people here operate like like a bunch of Jailhouse faggots...or like this is a penitentiary or something , ever see that movie "Penitentiary".. with Phillip Michael Thomas and Jayne Kennedy...a real fun place. I came here to primarily to rent a room. I didn't know it would turn out this way. Try to help your fellow brothers, and they try to rape you, and harrass your relatives. I lucked out finding a good job. But I fear that's all been wasted, I have little money saved up.

I've been working steady since 2001, on my lastest job , I'll be able to qualify for retirement benefits in a couple of months, that's money in a bank account with my name on it that I'll be able to get. But if I leave now ..I'll never get that little bit of money. The plan was to take that money, with the little money I've in my Savings and move the hell out of here..and that means the end of my job possibly if I leave the area, plus I'll be leaving a lot of relatives . Looks like I'll never get that money.


Its not just the People around this Hotel thats getting to me. Some of the kids around here are getting outrageous. When I'm around they always talk about that they have to shooting some one , or shooting me. WHAT DID I DO? Are they judging me for? Most of these kids I don't even know, yet word is out on the streets that I'm supposed to take a bullet. Is that because I stood up to that white man in 711?, Or is it because of that girl who attacked me in the park. Maybe they rather chance this guy molesting me cause they think there vunerable themselves.?
I'd like to be at a place and time where people don't talk about shooting me.

But any way I've moved (changed rooms) and some of these kids/people are missed informed and /or Stupid.
Sometimes I wished I had a gun that I could carry to protect myself....but then maybe its better to just get the hell out of here. Then again I have to worry about my Mother, some of these kids off the street are going around her house harassing her. Its troublesome to help my mother, she wont let me move in with her. Even though she got the room, she thinks I should keep my room here.

I'm kinda afraid to leave here. I wanted to leave California for a while and travel around. And I probably need to leave the Bay Area for a while, or at least move a good place in the Bay Area. All the rancor that started here in this Hotel about that guy in 711 is spreaded outside so that I can't travel anywhere in the Bay Area without someone recognizing me saying ..."they got to Machine him". "there going to shoot him". Or if I go to my work sites, people seemly would comment on my plight, " play with him", ", "Punk him", "Shoot him". Drastics solution for a person just unlucky enough to try to rent a room.

Yesterday some black kid got on the train whispering stuff like this quietly to a white passenger in front of him, there was a group of white passengers back there, then a young black girl, sat back there..talking about "He hasn't got any balls". I assumed she was talking about me.
Its really a dammable thing. These kids I don't even know, but in this one instance I couldn't even sit on a train and relax from a long day of work.

Don't this kids have any jobs? Do they have any hope of getting a job? Any role models for them, except the big drug dealer down the street? I feel a little sorry for these kids because unless they get some major help, and help from us, and persevere, a life of degradation unlike anything we've seen before is heading toward them. Maybe towards me.

I try to help, in fighting a bit of injustice around here , in trying to be a bit of a role model in my work, just trying to carry my weight and then some.. But its seems more BLACK people are fighting against me, then for me or there kids or maybe they feel they are fighting for there kids also. Though I have some hope for some of these black kids , most of them are essentially intelligent, know what's going on, know the score, know who's trying to help them, who isn't....and can feel. This is all I can hope for, that reason and a capacity to relate to others will win out against sociopathy, mental illness and crime.

Mean time my issue is should I continue to stay here..its a roof over my head, Vs. should I leave and how soon. Maybe it would be better for me to leave today!. But I have limited funds, if I keep working , I collect and save a little bit of money, and can prepare myself towards leaving.
But the longer I stay here more events happen..it could get difficult to leave here. What happens if I get injured so I can't work, or arrested or killed, or if a relatives is implicated?
Will I Ho?

If I leave without a place to stay, I may lose my job as well, so it might be better to move into another place in the Bay Area that way I can keep my job. My job is suspect also cause my reputation has been besmirched by gossip and rumor started with events in this Hotel ,for example I go into a market and work ,and a person shopping comments on whether I'll have to prostitute myself, or if I /and or I will be killed, this doesn't help the company I work for...so I might not be able to work in the capacity that I have been doing...that make a good case for leaving.

Plus I'm not getting any support from my relatives, My sisters never call me, when I talk to them, they are incredulous, downplay my thoughs and fact..I can't talk to them! I'm not crazy!
My Dad is really hard to talk to , he got a serious alcohol problem. My mother might be stressed out, but sometimes I don't think her grasp of reality isn't so good, and I might be making it worse for her. Some things I think have improved for her though.

So I'm recently talking to a therapist, she's the only person I have to talk to about this stuff, and of course who ever might be reading this.

To make matters worse, I have an interview for a causal longshoremen. I applied for that position years ago, now I have an interview with them on the 22nd of this month. My dad has worked as a longshoremen for at least 30 years + is a "A"book man. He makes money. It would be nice to be able to stick around and finish that interview process, but I have doubts about it, yet I may do it to help my dad, but this might put me in more jeopardy! Alot of the people around here aren't working for one reason or another, "Book", but I think mostly cause of them ,I may lose alot, simply cause they cannot or will not hustle legitimately for there own good, so they got to bring other people down. You could say that I'm the one that doesn't hustle legitamately for my own good, hence I bring others down. But I don't think I've done that to the degree thats been done to me since I've moved into this Hotel.